Pain and Lesson of A Dream

Serphia was heartbroken.

Her boyfriend suddenly broke up with her on video chat. Who does that? Breaking up with someone abruptly and ghosting you after all those months together? Someone who you spent so much time with and enjoyed every moment together? Someone, who you both supported, cared about, and were able to communicate and compromise? Someone who always discussed their feelings and knew that if they got angry, it was not an argument, but to share perspectives so that they both could see how much they care. Someone who told her that he was falling for her, and they confessed their love?

“After our last conversation, I am not feeling well about us. I think we should break up.”

What? Wait? What?  Before she could say anything, Nathan hung up and blocked her.

  They were talking about the future, about living together. She brought it up. She knew she was feeling stupid about that. She was looking for a place and needed to move somewhere. The cost of living was high, and she moved in about forty-five minutes west from Dallas to Forth Worth with someone she met online before she met. At first, she was skeptical and nervous She liked her roommate, but they were not friends. She does not know anyone who could be close to her like a roommate in the new town. She missed being in Dallas and close to her boyfriend. Maybe they could move in somewhere halfway between their jobs. She only had three months before her lease expired. She was thinking about talking with him about it to ask a simple question, “Do you want to live with me?”

But what if he said no? She was logical, she liked to give out reasons. So, she researched a few apartments that she believed were within her budget and printed them out. She made a spreadsheet of a tentative budget she believed they both earned from their respective jobs and how much they may save if they lived together. She even thought of other reasons why they would be good together such as less commute, more time together, more intimate time together.

It is not like they did not talk about the future together. They thought about getting married someday, having a couple of children if it was within their budget, about their dream wedding, etc. They talked about that during their third month of dating. She couldn’t help it. There was something unspeakable about their connection. She never felt this way with him, about any man in her life. She fell in love about three times before, but they didn’t last in the sense that they were not serious with her. They broke up with her before anything that started to be serious for them that caused those breakups when they had any conversation about the future. Nathan was the first person that she could see the future and feel comfortable talking about it. It got her all excited and relieved because, in the past, she felt like there was something wrong with her.

That is why when making a big move like this, she likes to state her case before they can decide. That was how she was able to convince her parents when she was seven years old to stay at the farm with her father’s grandparents in North Texas for the summer. It was how she was able to convince her father that it would be a good character for her to have her first date when she was thirteen. It was how when she was sixteen, she was able to convince her mother to go on a summer trip with her friend and her older brother when she knew her mother would defiantly refuse if she simply said, “Oh, my friend and her older brother are just going on a road trip to Ontario, Canada, can I go?” She did PowerPoint presentations, showed excels on budgets, etc. It almost always works.

She loved doing this and thought of using these skills to be a lawyer just like her role model Ruth Bader-Ginsburg. She dreamed of being a lawyer ever since she learned in third grade about women role models in history class and found Ruth’s stories fascinating. Ruth’s persistence and accomplishments through her law career despite her difficulty and the men’s perspectives on women in the workplace, especially in law school, has inspired Serphia as she felt her convincing skills could be a great advocate for civil rights, especially as a woman. She graduated from high school and studied at the University of Texas for a BA in sociology. When she graduated with honors, she applied for Havard Law School. She graduated at the age of 25 before moving back home to live in Dallas, Texas for her first job at a firm. She stayed for several months before meeting Nathan through a group gathering that her coworker invited her to meet some of their friends. Nathan was a registered nurse. That was how she met Nathan and fell for him after the first conversation they had.

She told those stories to Nathan, and he laughed and said, “That’s crazy you did that, and it worked! It is awesome! I still love you anyway if you try that with me!” 

When they met for lunch on a Saturday, she laid it out. The presentations, the printouts of the apartments, the Excel budget, and the works. 

At first, he was dumbstruck. He looked at her with his eyes wide open. He looked around at the papers and had his lips perked. He did not like the enthusiasm Serphia put. Uh Oh! Then he said, “Look, I am going to say no for now. It is not a “no” for good. Just could we have this conversation next year? I mean I like where we are right now, so could we just enjoy that?”

“Sure, yes! Sorry, I was just excited about this idea, and I was probably too excited! You are right! Let’s just enjoy for now”

However, the rest of the lunch did not go well, and they left with an awkward kiss on the cheek. It made her anxious. She did not like this. Something was not going well. She texted him a couple of times that night and the next day one in the morning. There was no answer until he sent that text to talk on video chat.

She had to be honest with herself. It wasn’t just that he texted her to video chat that upset her. What shook her to the core about everything they went through was that she was blocked after that video chat. As if she did something so horrible. So cruel. Just like that. She had so much to ask, so much to say. And it was like silence on the other side. A wall that she could not break, to reach out. No closure. It was like all that noise she wanted to vent out just bounced back to her and it pierced through her.  Bouncing back has shattered her heart in a million pieces.

And she is not sure she should even pick the pieces back together. 

***

  It has been a few months since they broke up. They haven’t talked to each other since then. However, she noticed that it wasn’t that she was blocked, but that there was no trace of him anywhere on social media. She noticed that his friends who they hung out with a couple of times also were no longer on her friend list or the feed on social media such as X, Instagram, Facebook, and TikTok. No internet search on Google, Bing, and so on. It was almost as if he never really existed.

Did he? She wondered that herself. Was I imagining a relationship all in my head?

She doubted that so many times she lost count. However, she still has their text conversation on WhatsApp. She still has the pictures of the dates that they went on or the times they hung out. And the constant memories were playing with her head over and over. She doesn’t understand. She wanted to know if she did anything wrong. If he feared their connection. Or if he was leading her on like a puppet on strings where he played her. Or it felt like she was a toy that he threw away when this toy did not do something he liked.

She wasn’t enjoying her daily routine. She wasn’t looking forward to getting out of bed to go to work, even on her days off. The taste of the meals she ate daily seemed mediocre. She dived in her work hard and it seemed to help distract her so much that she would stay after hours to catch up on paperwork, research the case she was working on, or do anything that she could do to avoid going home alone. Her roommate was concerned and cooked dinner for her several times during the first couple of months until Serphia thanked her one day and told her it was not necessary anymore. She stopped hanging out with friends for four months until she finally got out. Her friends did not know about the breakup until a couple of months later. When they found out, they asked if she was okay, and she said she was a bit better and thanked them for their concerns. She kept most of the information to herself as to why they broke up. She did not want them to pity her.

Yet, those questions of answers she didn’t get, those intrusive thoughts, and those memories were repeating over and over. She could not stop. All she wanted to do was to find the remote of the television to her brain so that she could just pause and try to get better. She doesn’t understand. She had therapy. She finally dived into her self-care routine such as reading books in her spare time. She started biking outdoors again in high school. She watched her favorite movie series Harry Potter repeatedly as they gave her comfort. She started journaling it all down. She even took up meditation to calm her mind. She found it soothes her and gives her peace. There were moments when she saw herself inside, and found hope that she could move forward.

It did not stop. When those routines were over and she was lost in her thoughts on her bed about how good it felt to try those hobbies again, it all came rushing back. The love she had for him was still lingering. The ache of her heart of longing for him. She wondered what he was doing now. Did he regret the decision? She remembers they went to an escape room game at The Colony in Texas and how they tried to work together. She remembers they went to an ariel adventure course, and he teased her that she would fall often and that he underestimated her when she was athletic because she took an outdoor class in college. She remembers going to White Rock Lake at night and lying down on the grass near the lake watching the stars. It was when he told her he was falling for her. She smiled and kissed him, “I love you too!” Those and many more memories playing over and over. There were times when she could not explain it, but she swore she could get glimpses and imagination of what he was doing. Even feeling things that she was certain that were not her feelings. Was it coming from him? She thought maybe she was crazy.

Maybe she was. None of this feels like it was normal like she returned home only to find that it became foreign to her, the life that she thought to live.

***

It was in 1810. New York had a pivotal time. It was starting to be the largest population. The technological rise of the Industrial Revolution made an impact on the growth, even in New York City. The governor of New York commissioned a new plan to accommodate for the growth. The appointment happened in 1808. The manufacturing industry is bringing in new jobs for people to take down in the port. The city was growing and there were problems such as public safety. There needs to be new building codes, grid lines, and immigrants that caused tension in the city. Yet, the culture was enriched with the American dream that people came here to start a career or a business, start a family, and have a home. And it all starts in New York City.

There was a man Sebastian Thompson who was a new lawyer at 22. He spent his time in the office downtown studying legal texts. He became an apprentice to a family lawyer. He lived in an upper-class society with his family. His father was a businessman and a manager of the manufacturing industry at the port and became rich. His older brother is the assistant manager who would one day take up the business. Sebastian did not want to take over the family business. He wanted to be a lawyer. His father was okay with that and even asked the family lawyer if he could start appreciating as young as 16 after his schooling. He was content with his studies, doing clerical work, and was not worried about money.

One day, he met a woman and instantly fell in love the moment he saw her. Her name was Florence Griffith. Her father was a bricklayer, and she worked as an appreciate for an apothecary at a local store. She did not come from a wealthy family, but she managed well with the business she was appreciating.  One day, he was picking up medicine for his family’s lawyer and went to a store near where he worked on the way and found her standing behind the counter. To him, it was like he saw the light behind her glowing and her smile radiated the light. It reminded him of a time when he was younger. His heart skipped a beat. He asked her on a date, and she declined at first. But over the weeks, they bumped into each other in various places. They bumped at a public lecture, and he did not know she was interested in philosophy. She bumped into him at a concert and found they shared similar tastes in music. They bumped into each other on a steamship when he had to attend to a client in New Jersey and she was meeting someone for supplies. Every time they bumped into each other, he kept asking her on a date. She blushed every time and resisted. She wanted to focus on her work and family. But finally, she decided to date.

It was like a fairy tale that he read with the midwife when he was younger. Something that he never thought was possible. He loved that they were able to talk about many topics that piqued their common interests. He loved that he was able to talk about his interest in laws and she brought up some familiar jargon that surprised him and saw her knowledge grow with him. He loved that despite her background, she had an enriching life playing with other girls growing up, learning how to sew, that her father taught her how to read, and that she was capable of reading books in her spare time, despite not having a formal education. He loved that every date they went, it deepened their connection and his longing for adventure with her. 

He loved that after a couple of months, she told him she was falling for him, and it took courage because it was expected for the men to lead. He did not mind. He told her he loved her since the first time they saw each other. For the first time in his life, he thought he was happy, but he never knew true happiness until she came into his life. He wanted to marry her. One day, he bought a ring and asked her for his hand. She was the happiest woman in the world.

There was one problem. While he was balancing his work schedule, his studies, and his family, he still hadn’t brought her to meet his family.  His family may not approve of her background. He knew he would one day have to marry someone who matched the standards of his family regarding status and money. And she had neither standard to match. He was afraid. He did not muster up the courage then to tell his family because he didn’t want to lose her. They were dating for months before he finally brought her to see her family. The reason was that he could not imagine a life without her. What does it matter about status and money? He thought if his family loved him, they would want him to be happy.

Or so he thought. When he brought Florence to his house, she was polite. She brought her intelligence to the dining table. Her table manners were exquisite. She asked for permission for unsolicited advice from his father regarding the business he was wrestling due to the increased diversity at work and accepted graciously when he rejected her wisdom. She talked about the fashion as of late with his mother and his mother laughed and shared her thoughts. She sang a beautiful song after dinner when his brother was on the piano. She bid them farewell, and they gleamed and were happy to have her. Sebastian thought things were going well. As soon as she left, his family took him aside and said while she is an amazing woman, he cannot have her. He was appalled.

‘Her family’s status is not our status. They do not meet what we expected from you. I mean, she would be taking advantage of our status and that is not allowed!” His father said. He argued with him. His father took him to a private room. The rest of the family could hear shouting, yelling, and even threats. Objects broke. It may seem like an eternity, but it lasted for an hour. Finally, Sebastian came out looking disassociated, defeated. He must respect his father’s wishes if he does not want to be cut off from the family’s fortune.

He never went to see Florence again. He sent a letter saying they should break up. He stated no reason why. She sent numerous letters asking, pleading for the reasons why. She wondered what she did wrong. Some of the letters had stains of her tears. He read every letter he received, but he never responded. He never saw her in person for a long time. He knew he had broken her heart and his heart was shattered it felt like all the books on the bookshelves in the library in which he loved to study law just shattered. Books were flying everywhere, the woods were in pieces, and the pages were flying. It was a mess he felt like he never would recover.

A couple of years passed by. He met someone that his family encouraged him to meet. It was a family friend’s daughter. They had wealth and status. Their courting was seldom. It was nice, calm, peaceful, but there was no love between them. He knew that. However, it was expected for him to marry her, so he did. He got down on his knees one night at a banquet in front of all their family and friends. She was elated, thrilled. He felt nothing. The library inside his heart never healed. He closed the door.  He thought he was okay with it until a few months later.

He met Florence again one day when walking with his wife. His heart sank when he saw her. She saw him and was courteous, and civil. He saw the waters in her eyes like enormous waves hitting the windows of a lonely lighthouse. He saw that she was lonely on top. He saw in her that the window was open, and waves started to flood the lighthouse, and she knew if she stayed, she would drown. Yet, she stayed. He felt the door in his heart suddenly opened and he felt she saw his library inside. They said their goodbyes and he did not know what to feel, or how to feel. But it felt like the door never closed, no matter how much he tried to lock it tight.

He went out on a drinking spiral. He drank almost every night. His wife was not happy, but he did not care. He was a good lawyer in his work. His work was his only passion. He loved his children, but he did not spend as much time with them. He was always working or coming home to drink. He wanted to drink the pain away. Then bit by bit, it got worse. He heard that Florence got married to a nice man. She seemed happy when he saw them at a fair with a son. Shortly a couple of months after he saw her, his wife suddenly died from giving birth to their third child. And he hired a midwife to take care of his kids, to raise them. He and his father never really talked much after that night. He had not spoken more than a few words for many years until his father died. He hated his father with guts. He hated his family for being so narrow-minded.

What haunted him until he died from liver failure was that ever since he sent that letter, before bed, there were always tears leaving his eyes right before he slept. It never stopped. It never went away. He was a lonely, depressed man. He reflected on his life with regret. With the last breath and a tear coming out of his eye, he wished he had never listened to his father and his family. He wished he risked it all for Florence, the only woman in the world he ever loved.

***

She woke up from that vivid dream. She could not explain it. She was seeing everything through the man’s eyes. Sebastian, was it? She wondered. Everything about the dream felt like it was real. She felt the love she had for his family. She had memories of him when he was a kid going fishing with his father and grandfather, and his grandmother reading stories before bed when she was visiting. Seeing him helps his mom some evenings before dinner wanting to learn how to cook. Him playing with his siblings outside kicking a ball down the street with other children. She remembers the amazing love he felt for Florence, and it felt so familiar like the love she felt for Nathan. The sadness, loneliness, and the dark bleakness of the rest of his life was how she felt at times waking up every day as if she was in disbelief.

All of those were uncanny, but one thing she knew struck her as most peculiar. Ever since Nathan broke up with her, every time she went to bed and was about to sleep, a couple of tears came out of her eyes without fail. She did not yawn, she did not will it after a couple of months of crying to sleep. It has been a few months, and it still happened. She felt like she knew that man so well as if that man was her. She could not explain it. She does not know what to do, except for some reason, a particular friend comes to her mind. She gave her a call and asked to meet up at a nearby park. “2:00?”. Her friend asked. “Sure!”

Her friend was named Penny. She only met her a couple of months before the breakup. Her friend seemed like an old soul, a spiritual person. They met at work and never had a chance to hang out outside of her. Serphia liked Penny. Her experiences and her wisdom were always intriguing. She helped with a few sentences right after the breakup by telling her, “Love is the greatest feeling in the world. You could feel the heavens singing a song and it felt like home, and it could feel like hell the next thing where you were suffering. Yet, people who are in love like that would rather live in suffering because the feeling is so beautiful, so powerful that it speaks through the soul. They will be happy to go through it all again even if it means they would suffer again”. 

At first, Serphia was angry with that comment and asked, “Why would love to include suffering? That is not love!” But then, over the months after the breakup, she came to accept that she does not regret the time she had with Nathan, and it did help to manage the pain suffering more and more every day. She couldn’t explain it, but maybe her friend would know what the dream meant. Penny sometimes talked about her dreams and how they related to her life as if it was all connected so some insights would help.

They met on a lawn near the playground. Penny already set up a huge blanket and sat down on it with a cooler. “I hope you do not mind. But I brought us some water. Maybe some tea! I got a feeling it might be a long conversation. How have you been?” Penny said with her right hand out gesturing for Penny to sit on her side while facing the playground.

Serphia sat down next to her while Penny handed her a water bottle. Serphia opened it and took a sip. “I am okay, just shaken up. I…how are you?”

Penny smiled. “I am good. I am glad we are sitting and spending time with each other outside of work. I am sure you didn’t come here for small talk. So how may I help you?”

Serphia put the water bottle down and spilled out the dream, every detail. Everything she could remember. Serphia explained what she was feeling after. How strange the similarities of their stories between her and the man in the dream. How she felt like she knew that man so well. She understood how he was feeling, and the choice he made haunted him until his death. She felt the pain in her heart for him and felt like for some reason, there was a lesson in all of this for her life. She did not realize she said the last part out loud because Penny laughed.

“Oh my god! I must sound crazy!” Serphia said embarrassed. She put her hands on her face to hide her reddish expression.

Penny looked at the children playing at the playground. “There is nothing to be embarrassed about. And no, you are not crazy. Crazy is for people who do not understand what is going on and try to make sense of it, but never find the reason for it so they make up some logic of what happened. If they do find some reason for it, they still think it is crazy and ignore the very answer that was right in front of them.” Penny smiled. Something about what she said resonated with how Serphia was feeling. No matter how much she tried to make sense of things, no answer was satisfying.  

“Let me ask you something. What are your beliefs?”

“My beliefs? Like religiously?” Serphia stopped putting her hand out and fold her arms.

“Whatever you call it”

“I believe in a higher power to all of this. I am not sure what that means for me, but I think everything happens for a reason. I guess in a way, I have been trying to find a reason for…I don’t know. I am still figuring it out.”

“Okay, but that is the thing, you are unsure, and even you think your answer is unsure. That is okay, but I think people who answer their questions already have the answers within. And sometimes we find the answers in others to reflect what we already know. Let me try an experiment with you to show you what I mean”. She then looked at her eyes seemed serious, but her face turned into a smile. “When I ask you a question, say the first thing that pops into your mind with no judgment. Do not think it is crazy and see what comes out. Give an open mind to that answer”

Serphia laughed. “Okay, I will give that a try. What is your question?”

“When you said you feel like you know this man, why?”

“The pain, the feelings, the memories. It was almost as if…” Serphia hesitated a bit. “It was like it was my life….”

“Do you believe in reincarnation? Rebirth?”

Serphia looked at her like Penny was being irrational. But there was something in her question that somehow resonated with her dream, “I…. what?”

“Better question, do you believe in karma?”

Serphia said, “Of course I do. If you do good things, good things will happen to you. Doing bad things will have bad things happen to you. That is the Buddhist belief I stand by, and it is related to the law. We punish those who do bad things, and we reward those who do good things.”

“But the law that we made, the court system, it is not perfect. Some innocent people go away for crimes that they did not cause and some guilty people go free. How is that fair? How is that karma?”

“It may not be perfect, I agree. That is why I became a lawyer. I want to help give people justice and stop the guilty people from getting away with it. To improve the system!”

“We are going a bit off-topic. But let’s say those guilty people go free. Do you think karma will eventually help them get what was coming for them?”

“Maybe…I do not always see that, though.”

“Maybe that is where reincarnation comes into play. To balance that out. Maybe you were the man in the previous life!”

Serphia was shocked. “But it was only a dream! That is not true. I would never not choose someone I love!”

Penny shook her head chuckling. “Let’s continue this experiment without judgment because judgment does not always keep an open mind. Let’s entertain this train of thought hypothetically. What if it is true? Can we try to see if that is true? You said it yourself. You felt like it was your life!”

Serphia cannot ignore that last statement. It did feel like it was her past life. 

“But…why? Why would I be shown this dream? Why would I…he…”Serphia could not bring herself to finish that question.

“That is what we are here to find out together. Is that why you came to me?”

They paused for a moment. Serphia was trying to think of what was next to say. She took another gulp from the water bottle. “Well, yes. When you told me about your dreams and how it is related to your life, I didn’t think the symbols in your dreams could be related. I always wanted to give it a try. I never did until now…but this is big.”

Penny stopped smiling and looked empathic. “I know it is! I know it is related to your recent breakup. The feelings you felt were similar. But let me ask this: does this ongoing feeling of loss feel more like the man or more like his true love in the dream?”

Serphia beamed almost as if lightning struck her. It was like the insight came to her. “I feel like…I don’t understand why Nathan broke up with me. I wanted to. It was like a door that never closed, the closure I never got. Something I will never understand. I felt that was what she was feeling with that letter she received. She felt…discarded. As if she did not matter at all.”

“Is that what karma is? What if in that life, you made that choice as that man to not choose to be with his true love and now you are feeling exactly what his lover is feeling?”

“That…is so weird…I…” Serphia was hesitant. It was like the truth was staring at her and all she could feel was…shame. 

“Have you ever felt that way before Nathan?”

Serphia did not want to think about it. She shook her head and looked away. “I…there were some relationships or situations where I thought someone would love me and…they walked away.” The feeling grows deeper and deeper. Is this her life?

Penny said something almost as if she read her heart. “Whatever you are feeling right now, that is okay to feel that way. There is nothing wrong with what you are feeling. It is weird, yes, but sometimes we need to face our feelings to go through it, to become better people. Many people think of karma as a reward and punishment, like the law. But that is not true. Karma is both a blessing and a lesson. I think karma helped us understand both sides of the same coin. You experienced what it was like to be that man and not choose someone you loved and now you experienced the other side of what it was like when someone did not choose you. What does that mean to you?”

“I don’t know. I just do not like karmic judgment like this. I wanted so badly to be chosen and…he did not choose me. No one chose me all my life.”

“Is that true? That no one chooses you? I am here now. I choose to come see you, help you.”

“That is not what I mean. I mean like true love. Real love.”

“Is that judgment? We should judge what love should and shouldn’t be. Me choosing to be here is not love?”

Serphia thought for a moment. “I did not mean that I do not value you not being here. I value our friendship.”

Penny smiled. “I know what you mean but be careful with that line of thinking of all or nothing. Love comes in many forms. It happens around us every day. We just must choose to always see it in big and small things that we encounter in our lives. Look around you! What do you see?”

Serphia looked around. She saw some children on the see-saw going up and down. She saw them making moves in good harmony. She saw them smiling She heard them laughing. She heard one of them yelling, “Faster! Faster”. She saw a parent taking their young son to the top of the slide and going down together. She saw the parent hugging and the kid giggling and saying, “Again! Again”. She looked around and saw birds flying around in the sky. She saw the clear sky. She felt the warmth of the sun on her face through the shade of the trees that blocked the intense rays almost as if protecting them, despite that Penny chose this spot. 

“I see….love all around us. Communication, playing, protection, laughter, movement, the warmth.”

“When you see those things every day, love is all around. Even if it is small. It can make a huge ripple effect. I have one last question to ask you. It is a bit different, but do you think that Sebastian didn’t choose his true love?”

Serphia looked confused. “Of course, he didn’t choose her. I do not understand what you are saying.”

“He lived with regret. If he did not choose to be with her, it would have been the right decision because he loved her and wanted her to be happy. He wanted what was best for her because he felt she would not be a good match for his family. He would live a happy life based on that decision because he let her go. But he lived with regret. Why was it the wrong decision? What was missing there?”

“Maybe he would have communicated with her. To be honest why he did not choose her. He wanted what was best for her. If he did that, maybe he wouldn’t live life with that much regret.

“But why didn’t he do that? Why send a letter with no explanation? Why did he not face her the same way that Nathan did not face you?”

Serphia remembered back to that part and tried to think about how Sebastian felt when he sent the letter. She never thought about that. Sebastian was a gentleman. He always did the right thing. Doing this was not his character. Sending that letter was cowardly. And Sebastian was not a coward. He was a brave man. He would help anyone who was in trouble even if it meant he would be hurt. So why he avoid this pain? Suddenly Serphia gasped. The answer was staring at her all along! 

“Nathan didn’t choose me because he didn’t choose himself!”

Penny smiled. “What does that mean to you?”

“If I was Sebastian and I did meet with my true love, I would know it was the wrong decision to cut our relationship off. I would never want to hurt her that way if it meant hurting myself. To hurt my one true chance of happiness. I would have to be brave to do the hardest thing I have to do…”

“What was the hardest thing he had to do?”

“To be penniless. To be cut off from his family’s wealth. To not have their approval. He was taught that family was the most important thing in the world as we must always support each other. But sometimes one must do what makes them happy even if it is against what the family wants because if they love us, they want us to be happy no matter what. And if they do not want us to be happy, well…it is their problem, not his. And…that was what Sebastian is afraid of.”

“Why? Why is he afraid of that?”

“Because that choice, no matter what, he will have to give up something. It is a lose/lose situation.

“Maybe, maybe not. Sabastian did not truly know what would happen had he chosen her. But does Sebastian have that little faith in his family? That their love was conditional?”

              Serphia looked sad. “No…”

               Penny hugged her and held her tight. Serphia started crying on her shoulder. Penny held her tight and whispered in her ears, “Love should be free, we should be brave to always choose to love no matter how hard it is. It is always unconditional. And maybe that was why Nathan broke up with you. He was afraid of the strong connection you had. Maybe he was afraid it meant giving up something that he held dear. That made him feel safe. That maybe it was under his condition. And to be honest, you did the same. You did bring that presentation to him without talking to him before. Maybe he wanted that choice as well.”

Serphia let go and got the tears out of her eyes. For some reason, she felt relieved. Almost as if all that guilt and shame just went away. Yet, the residual energy is lurking. “What am I supposed to learn from this? I wish I could tell him I am sorry. I wish I could tell him I loved him, that I still do. I can’t if he blocked me from everything. I do not want to live my life in regret of what could have been, of what should have been, and think about it every day. I wished I was patient and was not so scared then. How do I move forward?”

Penny looked down as if in thought. “I think you did learn something from this. What did you learn from the dream?”

Serphia knew the answer the moment she said it. “I guess you are right. I do know the answer.” She breathed a long sigh as if she did not like the words coming out of her mouth. “For Nathan or anyone else in my life to choose me, I must choose myself first. Always.”

Penny smiled sadly. “A hard lesson to learn, is it? Think about it this way. We came into this world with love, no matter what the circumstances. Love is always within us. Everyone and everything around us is a reflection of the love we already have inside. If we look for love outside of us because we are feeling down, that is okay if we look for others to support us through those difficult times. But there is a difference between being codependent on them and having them support us. Expectations are not a pretty thing if we associate love with it. We ended up pretty disappointed if we hoped that others would say something we wanted to hear and instead, we did not get that. And it is bitter if we sometimes get what we need to hear, even if it hurts us because it does not fit in with what we want. Living with the truth is love, instead of the illusions we created. I like to think that if love is a reflection and we see it every day, it is a cherry on the cake we already have inside. ”

Serphia looked away and chucked. She thought for a few minutes about that last line. Love is the cherry on the cake we already have inside? She wondered. Memories flashed back to the family she grew up with, to the schools she attended, and how her life experiences led her here. She understood. Life is not for granted, it is a gift. The cherry on the cake we already have inside. Maybe she needed to practice self-love as a first step in choosing herself. 

She looked at Penny“What a nice thought experiment!” She looked down.

“I am going to leave this blanket and cooler to you. Something tells me you need time alone. I hope this helped. I hope you always choose yourself. I am always around if you need to talk.”

Penny got up and smiled. Serphia was going to say something or get up, but Penny put out a hand. “Don’t do anything. Just I trust you. I always have. I will see you at work tomorrow!” and walked away.

Serphia looked around and saw children swimming at the set. That there were children building sandcastles. She looked down at the grass in thought and an orange, black-spotted butterfly was around flying low and around as if was in a dance. The wind was blowing as if the silence was singing a song. She smelled some food cooking from a Barbeque area that a family was cooking. She could hear laughter, conversations stimulating, and some music playing there.

Serphia decided to choose to see the love around her even if she was in pain from the lesson she learned. Serphia decided to choose hope because the world did not end the moment Nathan broke up with her. Glimmers are all around her and she decided the best way to choose herself is to make the glimmers bigger. To do what truly makes her happy. Whether it was with Nathan or someone else. Serphia decided to speak from the heart the next time she may find love instead of trying to persuade or control the outcome of their love.

Bit by bit with those small choices, she could feel the mess of her heart under construction to build itself to be a beautiful library again. Maybe then, the tears will stop eventually as long as she continues to choose herself.