My Spiritual Journey

This is a unique post that I am writing. I am writing about my spiritual journey.  I do not normally write about this subject, because I do not always share what I believe with other people. We all have our own beliefs and journeys, and we are not meant to impose our beliefs on others, but to share and learn from others. To grow from their stories and integrate them into our beliefs and knowledge. Everything that we learn almost always is integrated into our beliefs because we choose to let those stories, experiences, and knowledge from others inside us and they would either change some aspects of our beliefs or grow them. They would also help us to understand other perspectives that while they may not believe in the same thing we do; they are also going through their spiritual journey as well. I want to share that story of mine.

I believe in Spirituality. The general definition of spirituality would be defined as either the concern of the human spirit or soul or having to do with the recognition of something greater than myself. From my perspective, spirituality is more than just one lifelong process of the journey of the soul, within myself. It is more than just one life. It is multiple lives, multiple experiences, constant lessons daily of what we say and what we do in life. It is to face those challenges and make choices, however simple or even too difficult it would be, based on those challenges that we faced and how those emotions rise from it. It is a test of emotions whether that we let the emotions define us, or that we define those emotions. There is no absolute right or wrong way on how we live our lives, but to be true to ourselves. To follow our own hearts, intuition, guts, whatever we would call it in doing what was right. Even when the right thing is not always easy or not always what we wanted. It is to understand that everything we do, everyone we meet is connected one way or another. That we have karmic connections with everyone that is in our life, however the size of the impact of the connections with them. That even when we get the answers to what it all means to us, our purpose in this life is to know that not everything has an answer and that not everything is meant for us. Sometimes those dark moments, the traumatic experiences we faced with us may be for us to experience, but the lessons behind may mean more for them than it is for us. I could write a million words to describe what spirituality means for me and it would not even be enough. 

I did not grow up in a religious household, despite celebrating mostly Christian holidays like Christmas or Easter. My birth and adopted families did not dump their own beliefs or lack thereof on their children. They believed that it was up to us to grow up and find our own beliefs in our lives. However, I believed in God at a young age. I do not remember how old I was. My adopted mother told me at that time when I was having two hearing aids, that we would go to church every Sunday since I was an infant until four and always enjoyed the chorus songs, despite not understanding. I do not remember that at all and she doesn’t know why we stopped. That is probably how and why I believed in God. I never read the bible, but I would believe that God is up there and that He would be watching over us. I would believe that He loves us all. He would love all the lives here on Earth and that He has a plan. Whether I was feeling down or not always getting what I wanted, I would rely on God for faith. I would pray often during nights for love, hope, and end suffering for all lives here on Earth. I believed all through my elementary school years despite being ridiculed, not having many school friends to rely on, and not understanding what was going on around me. 

It was not until middle school when I stopped believing in God. I met a good friend who was an atheist himself at that age. He was intelligent. He would challenge me on my beliefs, and it would often make me question my beliefs. He would point out the poverty, homelessness, wars, corruption, and all those negativities that were  going on in the world and would ask, “If there was a God, why would He not stop all of those bad things from happening?” I was stumped. I did not have an answer. I would say he has a plan, but he countered with, “Do you even know what was the plan? Did He tell you? Did He ever talk back?” And that made me think more and more. I reflected on my life and realized maybe I was naïve to believe. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it was time to face the reality of the world for what it is. I realized that if I want something out of life, I will have to do it myself. I cannot stand back, pray, and wait for something that may never come. So, I let go of that belief. I stopped believing. 

When I stopped believing, something wonderful happened. Before letting go, it was like I was on the ship seeing the destination in view and keeping track toward the route. And yet, every time I got close, it was like the destination moved further and further away from me. It seemed like it would never end. And now letting go, it was like the ship shifted directions. I was going nowhere. I was lost at sea. Then I was able to see things around me clearly. My friend was right. There is pain and suffering all around the world. That was when I wanted to make some changes. I started to be more serious in school, reading things on the internet and different books all through high school. It was difficult to break old habits, but bit by bit, piece by piece, I was able to come out of my former shell. I would try to do something I never would have done before from time to time. I would listen to other people more closely, of their life stories and what was going on currently. By developing language from what I was reading and talking, I was able to express myself clearly. I was able to try to make some changes, however positive and negative they were. I was finding my own path and journey through the sea of uncertainty. I just wanted to find my place. 

It continued through college. I was shy and trying to find my place and the people to connect with in college. I would be trying to find the major I thought I would become. There was one belief I had toward my sophomore year after a long period of depression. That whenever happens, whatever happens. There would be no rhyme or reason. I would do what would make me feel good now and enjoy it when it happens and be thankful when it goes away. It worked for a while. I was building close connections with some people in college. Then somewhere along the way, I lost my way. I was in the wrong relationship, wrong major, wrong organizations, and sometimes it felt like I was in the wrong college. I let go of one or two things that didn’t make me feel good. But for certain parts of my college experience, I held on to it too tightly and longer than I needed to. I got into heavy drinking, and it became a daily habit. In the end, it consumed me. By not wanting some things to change, I ended up changing myself. I was lost, deflecting on others, blaming them, and not taking responsibility for my choices, my actions, my regrets. It continued for years when I was teaching in multiple states.

Then when I moved to Arizona and the coronavirus happened, everything changed. As my previous blog entries said before, the school did not want me for another year as I was not a good fit for the school. That made me realize that the only thing that I invested in besides drinking was teaching and I lost that. I hit rock bottom. I know it is a common cliché that when someone hits rock bottom, they go up and find something that they believed and act on it. However, I find that the cliches that may be sentimental and not always perceived to fit are true. But it did happen. I decided to stop drinking and that there was no way to go, but up. 

During that time, I had a close friend of mine that was involved in spirituality. My preconception of spirituality was like witchcraft, supernaturalism, tarot readings, psychics, etc. Just surface stuff. I was always skeptical of it my whole life. I would think those people who are psychics or did readings were only in it for money or to scam people. I would think it defies logic, common sense, and science, which was one of my favorite subjects I learned in school. My friend was talking about her experiences that related to her journey, the readings she did with people who gave tarot readings, past regression, ancestral readings, etc. At first, it became respect for her beliefs. She would be talking about it almost daily and I wanted to be a good friend and listener. I asked questions about it. The more questions I asked, the more it piqued my curiosity. I decided to give it a try. I did a particular reading in which she would reach out to people who I loved and lost because there were some things I felt that I needed to say to those people and needed to let go. I conversed with my dog, one family relative, a particular friend in high school, my two middle school teachers, and my college professor through this person my friend suggested. 

I am not going into the details about the reading and whether you believe that happened or not is important. What matters is that it changed how I viewed the world right after that reading. When I went to work the next day, it was eye-opening. It was like not only I see people around me, but I see their spirit guides, I see their loved ones who they lost, and I even see their higher selves. For the first time, I was able to see a part of life for what it truly was. All the living ones here are on the stage, acting out the roles they were in life. The ones who are no longer here or not yet here: they were behind the scenes, working to help people to arrive where they wanted and needed to go. That when we die, others will emerge and take their places and act out their parts while we go behind the scenes and guide them. 

Since then, I got into spirituality. I have so many experiences, knowledge, and past life memories that I don’t even know how to explain them to one person. All I know is that they are all connected to this life. If I would explain one experience, I would have to explain all the other experiences and how it was connected. It would be chapters of chapters or even multiple books to explain what I have seen, the readings that I have done, the knowledge I have received. It was like the “It Was Always Sunny in Philadelphia” meme when Charlie was trying to figure out a conspiracy and he had a bulletin board and found one thing that would somehow be related to others. There were so many complex experiences to explain. I will tell you about one experience. If you read the fictional story that I wrote about a man and his father, then the opening of the character’s dream was a real dream that I had seen when I was seven years old. There was one reading last year when that friend did a reading to describe a particular past life and the goosebumps, I felt because I had that exact dream she was describing. I never told anyone that. How is that possible she knew? The answer was, she didn’t, and that dream I had was a real-life experience from a past life. 

I would say that there are a few beliefs that I have that are related to our spiritual journey in life. Because of spirituality, I was able to believe in God again. But this time, it is different. I believe we are all gods of our lives. We have the power to create things in life. We have the power to learn more about ourselves and others.  We have the power to make our dreams a reality, to acquire all those things we wanted. We have the power to trust our intuition, our hearts, our guts to guide us into the unknown to our purpose. Life is not about what others want us to experience, but what we feel is true to ourselves to experience. All of those things we desire take time, research, planning, and faith. God is not outside of us. God is inside all of us, connecting us with love. And I believe in karma. What we say and what we do, we will receive back. Good or bad. If there are things that keep happening to our lives that are bad, we may feel that it was not in our control, that we are limited. But what if it is related to something we did in a past life? Something earlier in life? What if it was a test and how we react to the test is how we break the bad karmic cycles? How we react to situations that arise is how we know whether we are on the right path. That if it is something scary because it was unknown, that it even defies logic or reason. Or even if it is something that we are not confident in ourselves about because we either are afraid, we don’t deserve it or we are afraid that we do, go for it because you never know if you would be right and that it would be worth it. If it does not lead you to where you go, it is a lesson, not a burden. It depends on the situation as life is complex. I also believe that if you do not try to love yourself, you would never love others. By loving God is by loving yourself. That is when you will know whatever it is you need to do on your journey. 

Maybe all the above seems like preaching to you and let me tell you, I am not preaching. I am merely sharing my life experiences and my beliefs toward you. I am also open to changing my beliefs at any time and at any moment. Because life is constantly changing, I am constantly changing, however big or small, daily. I am not the same person I was yesterday, and I certainly would not be the same person I am tomorrow. If you want to share your experiences below, go for it. I am happy to listen. If you disagree with any of the above, I am happy to listen too. After all, I believe we are here to learn from each other and not criticize our beliefs and choices in life.