(signing version: https://youtu.be/UlOUmcgRPIc
This day marks one year sobriety from alcohol for me. I wonder about what got me here today and that I would say two things: depression and alcohol. What is the exact cause first? Depression.
Depression is more than just a feeling. It affects thoughts that is on my mind. When I try something and get discouraged when things go wrong, and depression is asking myself negative questions to think about. Questions such as “Why did I try that in the first place? Does that mean I was wrong? Should I try it again or should I do something different? Why bother trying? Does it mean I am good enough?” and developing answers such as “No, you tried and failed. It is better not to try again. You are wrong. You are nothing. Worthless. Why are you taking this task? You can’t do it right. You can’t do anything right”. Depression is having those thoughts in my head repeatedly during the course of the day, sometimes more frequently and excessive in every minute, day, weeks, sometimes months or years. Depression leads to behavior in habits such as inaction – when I was in my bed doing nothing but watching something on television, playing games, and watching life go by. Depression comes with negative emotions going down in spiral in a black hole and I just sat there and let those emotions consume me. Depression is the loss of motivation to do anything I once enjoyed doing. Depression on daily tasks such as my job and errands are to give the bare minimum of effort that I would do every day, because it was not something I was motivated to do, but felt forced to sustain this lifestyle, to get paid to buy food, bills, etc. Depression is like a person that is my constant when there were so many moments where I felt like no one would understand me, not my family, friends, and that the only person that does is the depression itself. Depression is knowing that I needed help but that I felt safe in this constant stage because I was afraid that if I could get help, I would lose the constant that made me feel safe, and that I would be way worse.
I do not remember when it started. Maybe it was always there. Being adopted, I was loved by both families, but also felt a longing to return and remain in my birth family, to what I felt was right or at home. I remember how many friends that come and leave in elementary school, that were no longer my friend for reasons that was either theirs or mine, that by the time I was in sixth grade, that I spend all my lunch time by myself. I was sitting on a bench somewhere watching other children playing. I remember when I became aware of depression when a good friend of mine had to move away in eight grade and I spent ninth grade in a dark tunnel. I remember I would be feeling great at one point and then a period of dark clouds hits me, and it would last for sometimes days, weeks, or even months. It would be those long periods where I would be having those thoughts and emotions beating me up over and over. There were several times where I thought I would never escape. Thoughts of suicide at some point.Then there were those recovery periods where I know I would be okay, hopeful, and got better. Until something came up, depression returns. It keeps repeating into a cycle.
I did not start drinking until I was nineteen. It was during a retreat with a local deaf fraternity in a hotel. I remember feeling scared because I was a rule-sticker before. However, I thought it was a good bonding moment with my brothers to break a rule and do that. Since then, I got the taste of college life. We, as college students, did all those things: we drank, we smoke, we do stupid things or choices, and we try to manage our time doing responsible things such as going to classes, working jobs, studying, and being there for our family and friends.
My drinking got worse when a former college girlfriend and I broke up the second time. Shortly after, my childhood dog and best friend died. I was starting to be more withdrawn at that time. I was depressed. I didn’t talk to anyone because I felt like that was it, like something was missed and that I could not get it back. I felt that I missed an opportunity where I couldn’t achieve my dreams, my goals, and what I am longing for in my life. Yet, I kept trying to hold on to the wrong things because I thought it meant something. When the wrong things did not pan out well, the depression was increasing, so I tried to drown the depression with alcohol.
I didn’t know or want to realize that I had a problem. I let the problem fester for a long time. Misery loves company, they would say. When depression hits me, I would be paralyzed with emotions and thoughts, it would feel miserable. So, I would grab a beer, some vodka shots, or maybe one of those strong mixed drink like Mike Harder 8% Lemonade drinks, which was my favorite. I would be all cheery: when something funny happened on television, I would laugh harder. When playing games, I would be more emotionally invested where I would lash out physically when I lose. I even broke a television or two. I would sometimes send random, drunk texts to people that I have not reached out in a long time late at night. They would ask if I was okay and why I was texting so late. I would apologize for comments I made the next day. I would say I got doozy, or that I drank too much. I swore to them that it wouldn’t happen again, but I never went through that promise. At least I am not feeling what I was feeling. I thought every time I drank. I enjoyed the buzz. Sometimes I would drink more in an hour when keeping the buzz going high. When the buzz goes down, the thoughts would return. Lying in dormant as if it was waiting for their turn to be part of the company. I would be constantly thinking, obsessing about a particular situation, a particular person, or something that my mind would randomly wander in the past. Like a television show that I couldn’t just switch the channel or turn off the television. The emotions that rise from it. I would feel guilt, regret, and shame. It was as if I was carrying a weight that couldn’t be lifted. I felt like nothing that I have done was right and that I was deserving of the weight, hoping that it would crush me. But it never did. So, when it didn’t, I tried to project my feelings. I would try to justify that those situations happened that was not because of me, but because of the people involved or that the world was to blame for all those problems. I would be bitter against life. When blaming others and life around me did not work, I constantly wondered how I could make those feelings go away. How I would make it better. The same old idea keeps popping up. I looked at the fridge. Rinse. I would walk from my bed, couch, or the kitchen and grab another beer. Repeat. The cycle goes again the moment I took my first sip. Here I go again. Depression and alcohol become my new company of misery.
It got so bad that it became normal in my daily routine. In my teaching years, I would wake up, get ready to go to work, teach on the lessons plan I planned the day before or the weekend before, stay a couple of hours or more after work to prepare for the next day, come home, eat dinner and drink away the night. At first, I justified it as an “adulting” way to pass through life. Everyone has a beer or two when they get home from work. I would keep on drinking until the point where I would pass out on my bed almost every night. Then I would wake up again and my body would be in the automatic mode. I thought that was normal. I thought I can separate my drinking from everything that happened in my life. I thought I had my privacy. No one had to know. I was only fooling myself, like a secret that was obvious to everyone, except me, the person that tries to keep it secret. Eventually, it became a motivation to get through the day so that I could go home and drink. Sometimes there were moments where I wonder if my motivation were really pure. Do I really care about my job more or do I care about drinking more?
It went on like this for years. I had made so many wrong choices, said and took things out of context and personally, and hurt a lot of people over those years. People would tell me that I had a problem, and I would flat out deny them, called them out on their own problems and that they drank too. I would manipulate them and myself out of those situations, the conversations. People would let me because there was no reasoning with an alcoholic. I knew they were right, and I did not want to listen, no matter how much I fucked up.
What got me out of the funk I was in was when I was on the verge of losing everything last year. Coronavirus happened and the quarantine happened the moment I had two opportunities at those time to show that I improved my teaching style. Those two opportunities were gone in a vanish. I wasn’t going to be teaching anymore. I lost a lot prior to that moment: friends, people who wanted to help, opportunities that I wanted but never took seriously, and so on. But none of that mattered until the moment when I realized I am losing a career I spent four years of my life. I lost the one thing beside drinking that I invested a lot of time. I realized that I ruined the reputation of my teaching career the past four years by being in denial that drinking wasn’t affecting my performance on the job no matter where I go. I also came to admit that I knew teaching was never for me when I was in credential program. I stayed because it was expected for me to finish the program. I tried to justify that it would get better when I have my own classroom, when I would teach after a few years, and by moving to a deaf school. Nothing worked until I faced the truth. And it took that time to wake up to realize I couldn’t separate drinking from everything in my life anymore. That teaching was another root to why I drank. So, I made a choice last year today not to drink and not to pursue teaching anymore to continue this sobriety journey.
It was a long and strange year. An uncanny journey. It was like riding a bike to try everything around me again. I feel like I forgot how to be honest with myself and around others, what to say and how to say appropriate things, to do what I felt was right to do, how to develop healthy or positive habits, and that I forgot how to enjoy those things again. Diving in all over again was like bits and pieces of coming back at me and I could feel myself slowly starting to be my normal self again. Whoever that person was. I haven’t seen “him” in a long time. I also was learning new things about myself. I wrote a lot about my experiences growing up and realized that adoption was the core issue for me that affected everything. I had emotions and memories that were repressed for so long that came back to the surface. Those days were challenging, and I had to use the proper tools and resources around me to process them. I had to rely on my family, my friends, my writing, my daily ritual of mediation, etc. to try to go through those emotions and memories. It helped me know I am not alone. That I have a huge support system. Slowly by the beginning of this year, I was feeling like myself again and so much more.
I learned and still am learning. I am applying what I knew before and had to relearn things I never realized before. I learned new things about myself and around me. I am learning to take risks, to follow my intuition, to follow what is right to do, even when it is not easy. Even when I can be wrong. Even when things get difficult. I am grateful to still have family and friends who still love and support me and reignite our connections again, (you know who you are), that got me here today, and people who I made new connections. It would not been possible without you all. I learned to love myself and realized that I always love myself from the beginning. Why else did I worked so hard to be here today?
I must keep reminding myself that this first year is only the beginning. If things do not always work out, at least I tried. I must keep trying, to keep relying on and talking to family and friends, to follow through my goals and ambition, and to be the best person I can be in this moment. If there is anything I can say about 2021 so far, it is this. I am one year sober today and nothing can take that away from me. And for many more years along the way.
Depression isn’t easy to talk about and neither is substance abuse. It comes with a lot of feelings of shame, regret, and not feeling like anyone can love the person I am today. But if I work hard to be in recovery, I do deserve to be the person I am today by telling myself no for not having a drink today. And I do know a lot of people out there made wrong choices, they do things they regret, they hurt and lost good people as well, and so much more. If I can express my story, I can at least spread hope to others, to inspire them. At least I can encourage them to express their own stories, to seek for help, and remind them they are not alone. I want to tell you that you are not alone. You are loved. Even if you don’t feel like you love yourself, I will say I love you. I love you no matter what. Because we are always growing, always changing. If we can change, then we can do better and be better to other people.
Let’s be the change we want to make to the world, even if it is something small. It is still significant.
Note:
I went through AA meetings and out-patient rehab through interpreter services. It did not help as much because I was not religious or spiritual then and I never felt right being involved through the program, especially through the 12 steps. What helped me was writing about my experiences growing up and getting down to the root of why I drank and how I got addicted to alcohol. By recognizing it, I was able to turn it around with positive habits or to talk to people around me. But while AA meetings may not be for everyone, especially when it is more difficult for a deaf person to find resources that would accommodate to their needs, it still would be a good resource to help. Everyone needs to start somewhere and find their own therapy that helps them. Here are the resources that may help:
www.stepchat.com (online chatroom that meets daily on specific time) I love using this, especially during coronavirus or when there are no meetings available in my area. I use this sometimes when I didn’t have anyone to talk with.
https://riahealth.com/2018/10/31/aa-alternatives/ for alternatives
https://archive.aa-intergroup.org/directory_dhoh.php
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