He has a family now?!?! Wow, that is amazing! I thought.
I am looking on his Facebook profile. He is married with few children. He is happy with his career and friends. And he is not in Washington anymore, just somewhere in the Midwest Coast. How did I get here? I created a new profile for myself. The other profile, my wife and I shared it. She does not like some of my friends or some people, like him, that I wanted to keep the connection. Out of curiosity, I created a secret profile. I wanted to see what was going on with people that I couldn’t connect anymore. Some of them were past relationships, both with men and women, who used to be good friends of mine. Some were old friends who we lost touch because something happened between us then. Some of them were friends that my wife thought was not good for me. One person piqued my attention. It was an ex of mine that was, honestly, the only best friend I ever had before I met my wife.
I couldn’t believe my eyes. The last time I saw him was about 12 years ago. We went out for a summer trip because we wanted to give it one last try. It was one of the best days of my life. It always was whenever I was with him. He is deaf like me and he did grow up through oral approach before getting into a signing program later in his elementary school years. It was not until he went to college in Seattle that he became so involved in Deaf culture, reclaiming his identity. He and I always signed. He never voiced with me or with my family and my family did not understand why did I chose him. You should pick someone that would…take better care of you. I know they meant they wish he was hearing but I did not care.
We were on and off for years. In the end, we mutually choose not to pursue it further after one weekend. For me, as much as it was amazing with him, I do not love him in the same way he loved me. Maybe I never really loved him, just was hooked on his love for me, our language, and how close we were. I thought it was enough. I am not even sure if he even loved me. I always felt that he was fixated on his belief of love and confused that with loving me. Maybe that was why we kept crawling back to each other because we were addicted to each other. The craving and ache of his chain of his belief and my chain of his love for me. It was difficult for me afterward because after we were off, I met my wife Tabita a month later and we got married right about a year after we met. And there was tension because of it. Despite that, we would keep in touch from time to time. I cherished our friendship more than that because of the unspeakable bond when we were together. If I was being honest, he was tense about it, not me.
A year later, suddenly he stopped reaching out. It was not until several months later when I went crazy and decided to use his last remaining email only to find out he was trying to contact me through Facebook. After a brief investigation, I found he was on my block list. What the fuck? I thought. I never know Facebook has a block list. Did she block him without letting me know? I felt violated that my own wife did that. I was about to rant out my anger when I was shocked about what he said. You know, this is the best for us because you are married. I don’t want to get in the way of your marriage. Let’s just wrap this up and not speak again. I did not want to agree to it, but he was painfully right. I settled with him that we won’t talk again and I left an impression that on the off chance we saw each other in person, I would be really happy. He did not respond to the email, which was fine with me. I chose not to tell my wife that I know what she did. After all, maybe it was for the best.
Looking through his pictures, he is really happy, like genuinely happy. I could see in his eye that he truly loves his wife and I have no doubt he is a terrific father to his children because he babysat my younger brother countless times. I hate to admit it, but it stirs up uncanny feelings. Were those being the feelings that I haven’t felt in a long time? No, not all of them. After looking through about ten or twelve pictures, I just stopped hastily. I was not feeling well. I don’t know why. I am happy that he is happy. Was it because I was hoping it was me? No, it cannot be. I am happily married with Tabita.
I logged out and went on my day job. I worked with a company that sends me to tutor children with additional disabilities on life skills that they would need. I am deaf woman with a cochlear implant. I graduated with psychology as my major, so they saw me as a good fit for their company. Problem was, none of their clients’ children that I supported were deaf. I was baffled but I do speak well, and I do my best to hear with my cochlear implants well. Today, I am a caregiver for this six-year-old autistic boy. Normally, I do enjoy working with my client at his home and I would walk in with good, positive, professional behavior. However, I was not feeling up for the task today. It felt mundane, repeating the routine working with the boy. This is not me, I thought. George’s profile got to me today. Why? It doesn’t make sense. After my session with the boy, I got a text from my father. He wanted to give me a car ride home. I sighed and told him I drove to work and that it was impossible. He texted sorry, he just wanted to spend time with me. He asked if I have any medical appointments coming up so he can take me there with no problem. He also asked me that if I would like to meet up since he is somewhere in the area. “I am fine! Do not worry about me. I am thirty-seven years old, and I can take care of myself!” I must have texted my father that a million times and he always do this. It was not just him, but several of my family members does this! When my wife was around, things were normal, but when my wife was not around, I suddenly get calls or texts from different members of my family member just checking on me. They do that so often as long as I can remember. I know why they would do that. It was because I am hard of hearing. I was born hard of hearing at birth, went through years of speech therapy since I was four years old. I got my cochlear implants ever since I was nine years old. I still used it and I am grateful that my mother chose this because it helped me to understand people and the world around me. I just do not like close relatives such as my parents, my grandparents, my aunts, even my own siblings still think I am not as independent as I know I am.
When I got off work and sat in the driver’s seat of my car, I immediately went on Facebook. I looked at George’s profile to look in the pictures one more time. When I scanned the picture, I seen that they used sign language to talk to each other. They were going on adventures together, laughing, having fun, talking, and would be creating unforgettable pleasing memories. It felt real because they are being comfortable, free to be themselves. The more they are free, the effortless the connection they build for each other. They were able to make it stronger. I want that.
Wait a second! Suddenly, a realization like a light bulb on the top of my head, hit me. Sign language was the key. I know sign language and I always have been participating in my local deaf events. Many of my friends were deaf. It is just that I have a hearing wife who never learned sign. My family never learned sign. And they were biased because they were in a hearing world where it was effortless to be themselves, to do whatever they liked. Yet, I have to work harder to accommodate them. It was exhausting, time-consuming, and I don’t even always understand what was said to me or about me. I need to see my wife and from there, I will decide what I need from her.
I took a drove home and tried to take as many shortcuts to arrive there quickly as possible. As soon as I parked, I took a huge breath in and held it. I held it for a minute or two and took a long breath out. I turned off the ignition and with the keys in my hands, I quickly walked to the door to open it. I saw my wife sitting on the couch. She was looking down on her phone. I closed the door and walked over to her. She was still texting. I then blurted out, “Either you take sign language class, or I would file for divorce!”
Tabita looked up with a disbelief look. She locked eyes with me with a questionable expression on her face. “Um, I am sorry. What did you say? Did you just all of sudden gave me an ultimatum of our marriage? “she asked. “Things were going really well. What happened today?”
I started to use my voice and my hands to sign simultaneously “I know you blocked George through my profile on Facebook! That was not okay for you to do that. I didn’t tell you this, but it took me a long time to build that trust from you again. It still made me angry you did that. I know why you did it and I understand that, but you should have told me! We should have talked about it!”
“What the fuck?”, she gets up angrily from the couch and came closer to me with her hands on her hips. “What were you doing looking at your ex’s profile all of sudden?”
“You are avoiding the fucking issue. I am mad, but I am willing to stay married with you under one condition: Sign Language! Looking at his profile brought back a lot of feelings. He is happily married with his beautiful wife and creating this beautiful family that they get along so well. I realized that it was because they all understand each other freely. You know how? Sign language! I need you to learn sign language! To me, I never had that. I never knew that until today, but that was what I needed all along. I need to be myself and have people understand that this is who I am and to please trust me to do what is right for myself. My family always viewed my deafness as if I would always need something to help, that they never really looked at me as a strong, independent person. My ex was the first person besides you to see that about me. But even when he was around, my family were always on my back 24/7, even when I was in relationships. It was fucking annoying.” I signed and voiced again at the same time, sobbing. “And…I am afraid that I married you because…I need a break and that if they see that you are hearing, they would finally back the fuck off!
Tabita scoffed. She was in disbelief. She turned around and started crying. She rubbed her eyes up and looked back at me. She turned facing me and was wiping her tears on her right eye. “Was that true?” Do you really think that?”
I closed my eyes, and two more tears came out. I answered, “Well, to answer that, let me ask you a question: Do you love me so much that you would be willing to learn signs to help me communicate at home?”
Tabita shakes her hand in anger. “Do you really think I don’t love you? I do love you. You helped me so much and we went through so much together. We already have a strong connection to communicate everything to each other. Do you really want to change how we talk to each other?’
“So, you are not willing, are you?” I said with tears coming out of my eyes.
“You don’t understand. I learned so little because you don’t always teach me! I only know a little!”
“You are right but why is it up to me?! Why can’t you just take a class? Why can’t I be myself at home?!”
“Who has the time when I am working my ass off almost every day for us?! I want to but I rather use my free time to spend with you. That isn’t fair to me!”
I sobbed. “That is not love!”, I signed and voiced. “Love is not always fair, but that if we work hard together to make the other feels valued, important, and fair. It is not up to me to accommodate to what I need from you! I need you to make to feel valued, important, and fair! I need you to let me be myself! My language helped me achieve that! It is not my job to be a ASL teacher to you so that you can take the easy route. And I already have a day job! I don’t need to come home to a second job until we have children! IF we would have children…” I paused and looked at her. I then made a silent choice. I chose not to voice this time. “I let people walked over me for so long. And you know what was sad? My ex and I, we were so toxic to each other, but one good thing he did for me was sign with me. He and I never used our voices. I don’t even need to accommodate to him and him with me. I feel like he was a better friend to me than my own wife right now! I wish I can have that with you and my family!
Tabita looked confused but panicking. “Wha…what? What did you said? Okay! Okay, I am sorry! Please tell me what you said! Please!” Her voice sounds like she was trying to stifle a sob. Tears were in her eyes! “Please tell me! Please!”
I gave a long look to her and sighed. I wiped my tears on my face and looked down. I looked at her and smiled. I turned around and opened the door. I walked to my car. I hear sobbing and loud wailing, “Wait! Wait! Come back!” I quickly got in, turned the keys on the ignition, and drove away.
I feel symbolic on this moment that I just divorced my wife. My last words with her ended up with my native language that she does not understand. I am on my way to see my family. It is late, but I will ask my family to learn sign language. I just hope I do not have to divorce my family.
If they don’t, at least I have a deaf community to fall back in. Because that is the only place in the entire universe that being with them feels like home and it is time to return.
Justis' MultiStories 